Beyond the ordinary
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Where my ocd came from
When i was 12, i was in the wrong place and the wrong time. Met the wrong people online, exposed to a lot of things a child should not see. My OCD then started then, i felt ashamed and gross. Began washing my hands too much, showering constantly, washing my bedding and clothes too often. For starters, I should not have been embarrassed or ashamed as this was not my fault, no-body should feel this way. Sadly its something that happens often, but if you do understand or have been through it yourself, you are not alone. I still have OCD today but, i have coping mechanisms.
Coping Mechanisms
- Hygiene- if you are like me and constantly have handwashing, showering, over-cleaning breakdowns. Set a timer of 30 seconds. Once the timer is off, stop. i know its not easy, when you feel dirty its in your head constantly like a time bomb. It constantly picks away at your mind. But you are safe, 30 seconds is more than enough.
- Recognise your triggers, Keep a notebook this can track what actually triggered you that day and you can keep that in mind for future references.
-Set realistic goals, for example; a cleaning routine. What you will clean, how and when. when i know its my full body shower such as; hair, body, shave etc. I clean the bathroom that day. That's a place that freaks me out germ wise. After my shower i can feel good physically and mentally but also feel safe.
- Grounding techniques, when your mind is too much and you don't feel safe. Hold ice, run your hand under cool water, or wear your comfort clothes and do your comfort hobbies. I know when its too much for me in my mind, i hold ice in a cup or bowl. I wear my joggers and jumper and i draw or watch a series to distract myself.
- Do not avoid tasks, If for example, you need to do your dishes. Don't avoid it. Avoiding it tends to make your mind feel worse. Once its done. It's done, and you'll feel better afterwards even if you do need a shower.
What has my ocd affected?
-My relationships have been affected by my ocd very badly, my ex became my carer at one point. During the peak of my ocd breakdown, it took all the energy out of him just trying to help. That relationship ended up breaking down quite fast because of it.
- My family felt very uneasy around me often due to me freaking out easily. Something small can set me off, Food is a massive trigger. I can't be around raw meat or if someone puts cooked meat in front of me they need to check it to ensure it's cooked and eat some. Simple things are hard for me. A shower seems easy for some but back then once i was in the shower, it took an hour or over for me to get back out as once i started cleaning i could not stop. Causing a lot of money issues too.
- Modelling, people who i've worked with has seen me at my lowest, eventually ocd made leaving the house difficult, simply changing clothes. At once point i couldn't even touch my legs i felt like every part of me was unclean and gross when in reality it was the total opposite. Being in other peoples personal space used to scare me however with my coping mechanisms, i have improved.
Looking after myself, it used to be an endless cycle of washing, cleaning, tidying, and then giving up and going to bed. Plans would just be cancelled. Which affected me mentally. Felt like no matter how much i cleaned, tidied, asked for help. I was stuck in an endless cycle. It still gets like that sometimes. Just the other week, I had plans with my best friend, Eleanor, and I was fully dressed, with my hair and makeup done. Then, I had thoughts appear in my mind. Making me question what is clean to touch, if my clothes touched something dirty, if my makeup brushes were clean. Eventually i ended up getting back in the shower and had to restart everything again. Which made us late for our plans.
My ocd affected my education, my work, my mental health, relationships, it got me put into a mental hospital in December 2025. It is very hard to cope with, however there is many things you can do that will make it a little easier.
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